I intended to wrap up this blog and post elsewhere, but somehow I always keep circling back here. So going forward, I'll probably post more here again. It's nice to be back.
I sadly haven't written a ton in the intervening years, but for some of the updates in the meantime, you can read posts on inkpenandnotebook.wordpress.com.
Which brings us back to today. Today is just another Saturday. I've spent so much time fighting the paralyzing desire to make everything perfect, to have the perfect new beginning, a return to all things with just the right amount of decorum, that I'm just tired of it all. Why not start writing again today? So here we are. I write partly to share the good things, the hard things, and everything in between not only with others, but partly with my future self. There is nothing quite so nice as going back and re-reading old posts, remembering what life used to be like.
Here is a bit (previously left in draft form, unpublished back in October 2015) of what life looked like:
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will try to sum up the past few months in one word. Overwhelmed. I have been at once amazed by the sheer amount of grace that God has given me, the blessings at work, friends, the essentials for life and also completely daunted by the murkiness of the future. I'm writing this having just finished an exam that was way harder than expected, and getting over some combination of allergies/exhaustion that had me feeling sick all last weekend. I'm also getting ready to be at work by 7 tomorrow morning. Honestly, though, I'm listing this not so much as a complaint of how much work I have to do, but because I know in the future I will look back and think that everything used to be so rosy. There is no better way of reminding myself that the past was just as busy and crazy as the present than re-reading old posts that detail just how overwhelmed I felt then. One thing that I wish I could believe more fully with all of my being is that God is sufficient. To know it in my head and in my heart, and to see that I can live it out in real life. To not just know it but to live it and to let that truth just pervade every gloomy corner.
Let's face it. The thing that scares me most is the unknown. I'm so scared of the what ifs. What if I don't get into school? I mean, really? The answer to that is simple. If I don't get into school, life will go on. The sun will rise and set. I'll continue to get up and go to work. And I will be sad for a while but then I'm sure I'll come upon some other great plan that God has for my life and I'll see that it really isn't so bad. But all this confronting of my fears (which includes my fear of having to continue doing the same type of work I'm doing for the next twenty to thirty years) has come about in part because I am being asked this question wherever I turn. And the question that faces me at every turn is Why?
It seems to be a trend to ask this question these days. Maybe it all started with the TED Talk about how Apple has its whys and Dell has its computers. Anyway, we were asked to consider our why at work. Why do we care about our projects? What good does it do? Why should we care? Outside of work, this question has also popped up in multiple places. I feel like it was God's subtle but not so subtle way of telling me to stop and really consider what was a means to an end and what was an end in my life. To think about who I'm doing what for and whether what I am doing has meaning and worth not just to the visible world but to the unseen world around us. It made me aware of how fast the months are slipping by. I realized that I'd gotten into a routine where I got up, went to work, worked until I had no more energy, came home, got some studying in, and went to bed. So little engaging and so little feeling. I like the challenges and problems I solve at work. If I'm 100% honest with myself though, I don't find the work fulfilling. My heart is really with the kids who just need someone to pay attention to them, the immigrants who work crazy hard but are still unable to make ends meet, and the sick and tired who just need someone to be there for them. Having tasted the joy of doing meaningful work that I was actually passionate about, it's so hard to forget that and just keep going without being scared of what ifs.
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Here is my response to the above. Eleven years later, it feels like hardly any time has gone by. I am older, yes. More tired, yes. (Overwhelm as a state of being apparently doesn't go away, so that's a constant.) Yet things are so different even though my brain hasn't registered it. You might notice that my writing voice has changed. If so, that's because the way I talk has changed. Fast forward 11 years - I did (eventually) go to medical school. I moved states several times and have now ended up back on the east side of the Mississippi for residency. My dream dog and I live in a little old house that is doing its best but has noticeably slanting floors, no 90 degree angles, and could really use some sprucing up from someone not on a resident salary. I had a garden this summer that did a lot of growing and served as a great source of therapy (rather budget-friendly, all things considered). It produced several large cucumbers, some baseball bats of a zucchini (and then the vine-borers got to them and I had to pull the plants), and a bunch of little grape and cherry tomatoes. More on the garden later. I spend a lot of time outside either pulling weeds in my yard or mowing the lawn. It's not a big yard but my hand-me-down lawnmower has a small radius and is also on its last legs (wheels?) and so it all evens out. Sometimes it is so incredibly nice to just be outside and get a good sweat in with some yardwork. Still trying to figure out how to decrease the resident mosquito population, though, if anyone has suggestions.
I still woke up at 5:30 this morning with no alarm. Ah, yes to be able to go to work at 7. How nice would that be. Unfortunately for current and future me, I have chosen the wonderful career path of surgery. Pluses - I am up before most people and have no traffic to fight. Best commute ever. Minuses - I am up by 4:15 usually, and it would sometimes be so nice to just sleep in a little bit longer. But I digress. Today was one of my few precious days off, and I woke up, let the dog out, puttered around my house for a bit, went for a long walk-run with doggo, mowed my front lawn, got a chocolate almond croissant from a nearby bakery to give to a friend (she said it was really good, I'll have to try it sometime), then went grocery shopping. Got home, ate some lunch and napped, then gave the dog a bath and went for another walk/run to dry him off. The weather was fantastic on both walks, for which I am so thankful. Near perfect day as far as days off go aside from the fact that I really should have done more chores around the house, I probably should have meal-prepped more, and I probably should have done some studying. Things to catch up on tomorrow after church.
My work is crazy but also so fulfilling. I love my job. I love being in the OR. I love taking care of really sick patients. I love watching them get better after surgery. I love the fact that I can come alongside them for just a little bit while they're going through a really tough time in their lives, and I can pass on just a tiny amount of the love that I have received from God to them. I don't love the constant self-doubt of whether what I'm doing is enough. I don't love feeling like my skills should always be better than they are. I don't love always being so exhausted. It's so easy to skew in one direction or another and focus on only the positives or the negatives, but real life is lived in the messy, muddy middle where both realities reside. I think the good part of it all is that reality forces us to reckon with the whys in our lives. In the tough, complicated middle, we need a guiding why to keep going. My why is that I believe that God has called me to serve Him by caring for patients as a doctor. Someday He may change what He is calling me to do, and then my why will adjust accordingly. But for now, this is the why that keeps me plodding on. More musings on this later when it's not past my bedtime. I'd love to hear from y'all what some of your whys are!
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