2015: Closing Thoughts

Disclaimer: The title says Closing Thoughts, but it should really say Closing Ramblings because this year has really been all over the place and I'm too tired at half past 11 to make a more concerted effort to organize them. Please feel free skip over this post if you're looking for tidy writing. This one is a bunch of sticky notes transferred from my brain to paper.

Lessons from a 4-Year Old

My dad sent me a link to this article on CNN earlier today. He asked me if I'd read it when I got home this evening, and he told me it was sad. I responded by saying I don't like sad things, and I don't like to think about them. He asked me what I was going to do if I became a doctor and had to face these situations every day. Honestly, this is an easy question to answer. I know I will be ridiculously sad. I most likely will tear up and if not on the outside, at least on the inside. I know that it will be hard and there will be times that I will come home and cry myself to sleep at night because it is just so overwhelmingly tough to deal with. BUT. I want to become a doctor and work with the sick because I care about helping them get better, improving their quality of life, giving them the chance to live life just a little bit more fully.

After I hung up the phone, I caved. I went and read the article on CNN. And then I read her mom's blog. What I saw there was a little girl that is so precious to her friends and family. A girl who uses her imagination and refuses to live a dull life even from the confines of her room. I saw a person who thinks quickly and speaks her mind, who has learned to accept her physical limits, and lives a life with a faith far greater than mine. 

Here I am, struggling to get through long days at work, worn out by waiting for what I hope will be interviews that eventually lead down the path toward med school. Trying not to think about the latest rejection email that has found its way into my inbox. Trying to trust that God has a plan and that He is good and far greater than the plans that I try to make for myself. These are my battles right now.

I read one particular prayer that Julianna prayed this past spring:

"Dear God,
I love you.
You are good.
You are very good.
Will you make me strong?"

This. From the heart of a four year old who cannot walk, who cannot breathe on her own, who cannot eat, but trusts God completely and still finds ways to bring joy to the lives of those around her.


God, You are good. Can I love You like this? Will You make me strong too?

September?

I'm writing this in bed. The lights are out and my housemates have gone to bed. The ones who are actually home, that is. We're early risers, and really I should be sleeping now as well. But, I want to take a few minutes to reflect on the past month. When did it become September, and late September at that? Life has been pretty much a blur. It's odd to feel like you're in a routine that never stops and never slows down for you. You just have to slow down and acknowledge the fact that the pace is too fast and then somehow, it slows down too.

At work, I've been learning a lot. Taking on new roles, trying new things, stepping outside my comfort zone. My boss has been really supportive and for that, I'm really thankful. Work is sometimes crazy and I find myself running from one meeting to the next. To actually get some of my own tasks done, I try to get to work early so that it's still quiet and I can do work uninterrupted. The other day as I rode the bus home, I was thinking about work, and I realized that I can sum it up in the statement that Work may be hard and tiring, but when I think about Work, I still smile. I still smile because when I step back to think about just how much of a blessing it is, I really can't help but be thankful.

The Little Things: Stories from the Past 2 Months

I realize that the title is unusually long. I also realize that I've been somewhat remiss in posting for a couple of months now. In one word: applications. All the essays and all the writing and none of the time... to do anything but applications. However, life has continued through big things and small. The following are a series of short encounters that got me thinking.

Here.

Some of you may know that I was trying to go overseas on a mission trip this summer. If so, you also probably know that housing was an issue and, well, I’m still here in the US. Never left. Don't have any plans to for a while yet.

Listening

I was watching the interaction between a doctor and a patient a little while back. The doctor wanted to go home and was trying to hurry through and be done with the appointment, and the patient picked up on it. At one point, the two were nearly in a shouting match. The patient was saying, you’re not listening to me, and the doctor was saying here’s your diagnosis, and there's no way to know the answer to your questions. Interestingly enough, this appointment took just as long as the time a different doctor saw that patient. Other interesting point - during that appointment, there were 2 fewer frustrated people. Because that doctor wanted to care for the patient, even if that meant listening for an extra three minutes to the same story repeated in several different ways. I realize that there isn’t always time to sit and listen. However, attitude matters. 

How many times do we go through interactions with people like this? Listening but not listening, technically present but actually elsewhere. Here’s to truly engaging with the people we meet.

Reflections: Right Now

So, I’m kind of moving. Well, I should say that actually at this point, I have moved. Kind of. It's more accurate to say I have moved once out of a few moves I am expecting to make in the near future. I feel like I’ve never really settled down since finishing high school. A rather odd statement to be making 5+ years later, I realize. Everything feels really temporary. Right now, half of my stuff is in Boston, and half is back in DC. I’m here to work – as evidenced by the types of things I’ve brought with me. Work clothes – 85%, exercise/change-into-after-work/free T-shirts 15%. Going out for fun clothes – 0%. To some degree, I’m completely fine with it - at least for now. I have applications to fill out. Work to do. All in pursuit of becoming what I think God has called me to be. A doctor. Why? I can’t write it on my personal statement for medical school but here’s one reason: to reach out and touch people’s lives and to show them that God loves them and He cares for them. To tell them that I’m there to make a difference in their lives because Christ has made a difference in mine. That because He cares about them, so do I. How do you explain to an unbelieving world that the whole reason that any of this matters is because your life has been touched by Christ? How do you tell them that He can make a difference in theirs too? I don’t know any better way than to show them. We each have our own way that we’ve been called to show others. So far, I think mine is medicine, but I could be wrong. I just have to follow and see.

Lessons from the Kids

So, this was a little while ago, but I wanted to write it down while I remembered. Every month or so, there’s a group worship session where all the classes gather in one room to sing praise songs together. The kids were singing along at a fairly normal volume, but when we got to the chorus in the Chris Tomlin song The God of Angel Armies, their voices just surged as they sang with all their hearts. And for me, that was special. Special because the little children who were singing it wholeheartedly believed every word of it. Special because it was a reminder that God is all-powerful, and like those little kids, I can trust Him without worrying about tomorrow.

While I'm remembering lessons I learned from the kids, here's another story. Sometimes, kids make the strangest statements. One time, Mrs. B asked the class, when is it easiest to trust Jesus? The expected answer: when things are going well. The actual answer: When we’re young and still don’t know what’s out there. I thought about it, and it's really true. As children, we rely completely on our parents and we trust them to take care of everything, including the problems. In that sense, it’s easiest to completely trust God at that point. As we get older, we become more used to taking matters into our own hands, and unfortunately, that often manifests in our spiritual lives as well. So I suppose that’s why we learn to make conscious decisions as we grow up – because the decision we have to make is whether we will choose to trust God and place all matters into His hands.

Because it's (not) all about the money

I was recently reading an article on CNN about what college you ought to attend to get the best "value" for your money. My immediate reaction was well, just because you get a high-paying job after college doesn't necessarily mean that you got the best "value" for your money. I think there's more to learning and becoming an adult than simply checking off the boxes so that you can make money and progress in your career, land that dream job so that you can make more money, and keep on going until you're set for life.

There's value to learning to work harder than you've ever worked before. Those late night cups of coffee, 5 o'clock alarms to get essays finished, and philosophical discussions with friends all shape who you become. For me at least, there were multi-page essays written in a panic and written with the stated acknowledgment of God, I need inspiration. I can't write this by myself. Writing obituaries for our student newspaper was so hard. It was so sad to read about these people, their lives, and to know that they were gone. Gone just like that, with no hope for eternity. I hated writing obituaries because the finality of these deaths all weighed so heavily on my heart. All of this - the work, the stress, the realization that death is so real, and for some people, so utterly lacking in hope - was hard, but looking back now, it was so worth it. It pushed me to lean more on God because I realized that there was no way I was going to get through it by myself.

If we listen closely to the message that is projected at us each day, we hear the subtle, yet not so subtle message that it's the fame, the money, and the prestige that define success. (To be fair, there are the heroes that are lauded in the feel-good stories every once in a while.) For the most part, attention is given to those who hold power or a certain level of notoriety.

Yet, what are we called to do? To look beyond the distractions of a crazy and broken world and follow the call that has been placed on our lives. To follow Christ. To live according to His will. And when we look up from a dizzying world we realize that it's not all about the money. It's not all about the fame or the power. And at the end of the marathon, hearing the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" will be worth far more than any trinkets we have accumulated here.

So as I move on from one job to another, here's a reminder to myself - it's not about the money, about a career, or about getting ahead. It's about living each day in His will.

Goodbye, Birdie

Leaning into the camera, curious to see what I was doing

Dear little bird, it has already been almost a month that you've been gone, and I find myself with this post still unwritten, started approximately a month ago. I keep turning around, expecting a chirp from you. I keep expecting a squawk because you're unhappy I'm leaving you behind to go upstairs. I keep walking past where your cage used to sit, about to say hello, only to see that you're not there. 

I still remember the day over 12 years ago, when we first went to meet you. In your very best birdie style, you waddled over and decided you wanted to come home with us. I remember I had a green hair tie clipped to my jeans and you wanted to play with it. To nibble, to be friends. And although you might not have been the most brilliant of birds, you definitely were one of the sweetest. 

Dear little featherbundle, I really miss holding you close, stroking your soft feathers. 

Unfortunately, it's time to say goodbye. It's time to let go. But as I say goodbye, know this dear little bird. The passing of time will not take away the wonderful memories I have of you. I will choose to remember the happy pre-bedtime cuddles, the little perky greetings when I came home at night, and the way you loved carrots, cucumbers, lettuce, and pear. I'll remember the quirky way you flicked your head when you tried eating something you didn't like. Sour things, for example. You really were such a good sport about it. If I gave you some, you always tried it at least twice before ignoring it. And for all of that, I'm thankful. Thankful that I had those wonderful years with you. And at least on this side of eternity, I will carry those memories with me and look back on all the happy times. So, again, little birdie. Goodbye...

Adventures: This Past Sunday

Over the weekend, my friend from college came to visit. This is the friend who I always seem to get into the most random "adventures" with. For example, making jello without a measuring cup. Eating ice cream while walking home in the snow. Frantically paddling a canoe about 15 yards from shore and being almost sure we wouldn't make it back with the canoe right side up. Watching Toy Story and seeing all the physics. (Trust me, there's a lot) These stories will all eventually get their own posts before I forget the details, but about this weekend...

To the MIT Community, With Love

I know this past week has been a hard one for the MIT community. Everything is not alright. Losing a friend or a classmate is something we never want to even think of. And yet, this week it has happened twice. I never knew Matthew or Christina personally, but my heart goes out to those of you who did. Know that you, the current students, the friends, the classmates of those two freshmen, as well as their families and friends back home, are in our thoughts and prayers today. Know that there are people who care and are willing to listen, to mourn with you, and to remember the lives of these precious individuals with you.

- With all my love, an Alumna

The Past Week

... In which it snowed. And I got to shovel the driveway twice in the span of 24 hours. Sorry, I forgot to take pictures of the snow. But it was powdery snow that blew this way and that due to the strong gusts. It was the kind of snow that blows off the tops of snowy cars onto the frozen pavement and dances in a wispy, slightly eerie way before dissipating in the breeze.

... In which it has been cold. Like I'm saying it's cold cold. Still haven't busted out my real winter jacket yet, but for reference purposes, today it went up to a high of 18 degrees Fahrenheit. And it was windy enough that the excess salt for melting snow and ice on the roads was blowing into my face today. How do I know? Well, let's just say the wind tasted salty. Yuck.

... In which I began my essay writing in earnest. It just needs to get done. I have fewer excuses with each passing day. Not to mention less time to get it written and rewritten and rewritten and...

... In which I realized that my Spanish has really gotten much better over the past few months because I'm using it on a regular basis. I'm slowly but surely regaining confidence in my ability to speak it. And verb conjugations? Online guides/ Spanish grammar review are the best. Kind of.

... In which my friend and I made plans to hang out. Plans that involve actual traveling and hanging out in person rather than just virtually over the internet. Plans that involve food, laughing, and chilling. Fully detailed, overly-packed schedules have yet to be developed. However, if our college habits are indicative in the least of how things will unfold, we will make way too many plans, then stick to the best one of just chilling and let the other plans fall to the wayside. More details to follow.

Random Memories #1

I was going through pictures from college and came across this...

Reasons you do not ask a MechE to build circuits for a living. Especially me. (It worked, but the circuit didn't look pretty.)

Katie and the Hershey Kisses

This is a story of a little girl. Perhaps the title is a bit misleading because it's less about the candy and more about the girl and her dreams. You see, Katie is a little girl who loves to build and design things. She's creative and smart. She loves Legos and thinking big. Literally. Last week, she showed me a small colorful chunk of Legos. I asked her what it was, and she proceeded to tug on a block, revealing a drawer made entirely of Lego blocks. She'd seen someone build it on YouTube and decided to try it out for herself. But, reaching into her bag, she then pulled out a box built out of Legos far more complex than the first. There were multiple compartments, and she had a special Lego pole that attached to a hard-to-reach drawer handle and made it easier to access.

The items she was storing in her Lego boxes were nondescript everyday items that would still be special to a child. A few pieces of leftover Christmas candy, a penny, and a quarter or two. And in her childlike way, she picked out a red Hershey Kisses and handed it to me. No formality, no words, just asking by holding it out. I thanked her and accepted it.

Later, I asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up. Because, clearly every little 3rd grader should have that figured out. I want to become a designer. I explained to her that when I was young, I liked building things, and when I went to college, I studied how to design and build things. She thought that would be cool. I encouraged her to keep pursuing her dreams. To keep designing and building new Lego creations. And I promised her that this week, I'd ask her what cool things she'd designed. 

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That little red Hershey Kisses that has been in contact with who knows how many coins and other little trinkets is currently sitting on my desk. I have it there as a reminder for how simply and humbly we ought to give to others. Like it's no big thing because it's really not. I have it there as a reminder that what we give to others sometimes matters less than the giving of the gift itself. To me, an adult with full access to all the chocolate I want, a normal Hershey Kisses is not extraordinarily special. Yet, this one that Katie gave me is special. 

I love working with kids. Although I'm convinced they have a 5 second long attention span, it's such a privilege to spend time with them when you can get through. To listen to them, to encourage them to pursue their dreams. They, whose whole lives are ahead of them with so much potential and with so many dreams that are as of yet unfettered by the harshness of reality. They, who unknowingly teach me so much. 

*Note, Katie's name has been changed for privacy reasons.

Complacency

I was talking to K, the little kid I wrote about in this post. And I was asking him to explain something to me. He began throwing out a bunch of "churchisms" hoping that I would be satisfied with the answer. And actually, that made me kind of sad. It made me sad to see how quickly kids (and us adults likewise) try to find an easy answer that maybe they don't even quite understand themselves. It made me sad because I see his enthusiasm for knowing God diminishing with each passing week, and there is only so much that I can do. It made me sad because I know that this reaction is something that is true in so many of us. 

Isn't that why we were warned against losing our saltiness? Because it's something that's so easy for us to slip into if we're not constantly on our guard. It's so easy to just take our relationship with God for granted. This year, will you join me in being on guard against being complacent? Will you join me in passionately following God and in obeying Him wherever He leads? And will you join me in praying for all the children out there, that they would realize how precious a gift they've been given?

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 

Matthew 5:13

Enjoying the little things

I just love it when I get a chance to enjoy the little things in life. Waking up in a warm bed with my favorite stuffed animals rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. (okay, this might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but I'm claiming poetic license here...) Calm, quiet. Yogurt enjoyed with a small spoon. Banana with peanut butter. Eating in front of my computer while listening to soundtrack music of the Lord of the Rings grandeur scale. Finally getting to the post office to mail a Christmas present to a friend that I'd bought way back when. Sense of accomplishment, y'all. Feeling the warmth of the sun as I stick to my tradition of leaving my jacket at home and face the cold head on. Driving through the heart of a little town at 22 mph with a glorious view of the mountains. Enjoying the fact that everyone else is quite willing to drive at 20 mph, especially with the cop keeping watch on the side of the road. Slowing down enough to reflect on how much I enjoy these little things.

Gloves

It's a cold morning. In my mind, I already know that it's cold because the car was chilly, but as I step out of the car, my face registers it as the cold hits me like a wall. A wall of frozen icy bricks. My breath hangs suspended, wispy white, for a split second before dissipating. The sound of my car door shutting reverberates in the stillness of the empty concrete garage. I shiver, glad for my black fleece gloves and acutely aware of just how cold flats can be in the winter. My fingers and toes hurt, so I know it's time to lock my car and get moving. Click. I double check that I've locked, rather than unlocked the car. Satisfied, I sling my backpack over my shoulder and begin the trudge to the metro.

Goals v. Resolutions: 2015 Goals

Resolutions. I somewhat dislike the concept of these. Especially New Year's Resolutions. I really prefer to set goals for the new year instead of resolutions because it always feels like there's a sense of progression, a working towards something instead of a rigid boundary that once you've crossed, there's no use going back for (which I think leads to the categorical abandonment of resolutions halfway into January). And so it is that at this, the beginning of 2015, I'm thinking of goals that I can set for myself. Goals for the short term and goals for the long term, relatively speaking. Some of the simpler goals I've set:

Spend more time doing devotions and take more time to think.

Read at least one fun book every two months. Fun books are books such as Gospel by JD Greear, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, The Reason for God by Tim Keller, etc. Ideas on good books?

Get more sleep. This. I feel like this is always hard to do... hence I refuse to resolve that I will sleep x number of hours a night for the next x amount of time. But I will work toward getting at least 7 hours of sleep whenever possible.

Spend more time working on creative projects. Fun stuff, useful stuff, non-technical stuff. Exercise the artsy side of the brain.

Do you have fun goals for 2015?