Makeup Day on the Metro

It started in the morning on Friday. As I got ready to get off the train, I stopped in my tracks. Something smelled like a very familiar chemical. After years of working in various biology and chemistry labs, there are an awful lot of "familiar" chemicals. It's been a while since I handled any serious chemicals, but I finally decided that it smelled distinctly like acetone. Turning around, I realized that the source of the smell was a lady painting her nails two seats behind me. Seriously. Painting nails at 8 in the morning on the Metro? Someone must have been rushed this morning, I thought.

My fellow riders and I were somewhat taken aback by the makeup routine of a rider at past 5 PM. Glancing around the car, I noticed a woman seated across the aisle take off her glasses, then casually take out her contact case and lens solution. Squirting solution on her fingertips (yes, letting it drip on the floor), she proceeded to put in her contacts. Or, at least she tried. It took her 5 tries to get the first one in. Meanwhile, after a couple of failed attempts, she dumped the dirty lens solution straight onto the carpet, repeating the process several times. The man sitting in direct view of this scene saw me watching and shook his head, trying to stifle his laughter. It's understandable that someone would want to change into contacts, but to dump lens solution so casually on the floor of a public train car? It was so ridiculous it was laughable. I did my absolute best to laugh silently, looking away. Imagine how much harder it was to not laugh when I saw her take out concealer and begin applying it below her eyes. After nonchalantly checking her phone, it was time for mascara. Unfortunately, my stop was next and I didn't see how the makeup routine ended. I wonder if it ended with nail polish.

On Being Vaguely Specific

I've been thinking about how much information people share on their blogs. It's an interesting thing, the different levels of privacy that people seek on the web. Some blogs that I've read include photos of family, their full names, the cities that they live in/have lived in, and lots and lots of personal details. Some choose to publish photos, faces partially obscured by large sunglasses, and with only a first name attached. But somewhere, somehow, they slip in their last name. And then some people provide a lot of personal details, but not their last name. Living in a city and publishing photos of oneself, you would imagine that it would be pretty easy to still retain some amount of anonymity. What I found scary was that, well, I kind of figured out which apartment building that blogger likely lives in given the disproportionate amount of pictures that have been taken around it. And, this is Boston. It's not a small city. The buildings could theoretically look very similar and all blend together. Red brick, fire escapes, concrete sidewalks, trees, asphalt. But, I happen to know this one not-so-well known area pretty well because of how often I walked past it with several of my friends. Y'all know who you are. It only took one picture where I recognized an air conditioning unit (of all things!) and then I knew the location of most of the pictures. So, that took me by surprise because, no matter how much one tries to keep locations, private information, and the like hidden, tucked away on the web, I guess it's really all a big grassy plain with only a little bit of tall grass hiding the details. No hiding here.

Which kind of brings me around to my original point. I try to be vaguely specific. Friends from college ought to know exactly (or at least have a good idea of) what I'm talking about. I'd like to keep writing about things here both as a way for myself to process life, and also as a way to let my friends know what I'm thinking about these days. And I think, just maybe think, that it's not working out too badly, this tiptoeing around PII. Either way, I think I end up farther on the more private/cautious (call it what you may) end of the spectrum. At this point, I have no plans to post pictures (that's what trips to visit people are for, aren't they?). I have no plans to post my name. I have no plans to post thoughts that I wouldn't mind attaching my name to. And, 90% of what I think about will not show up on here. Still, I think the 10% that I do post includes some of the more important bits. Isn't that the whole point to being vaguely specific?

These Days

These days I find myself with a lot more time to think. Applications to med schools have been submitted. Orgo, quite obviously, is now over. I am really really glad about that part. Not really my cup of tea. One thing that I miss is the ability to sit down with friends and talk to them when they're having a hard time. My approach to this whole issue in college was that I should never be too busy to talk to a friend who absolutely needed someone to talk to. Whether it meant staying up another hour or getting up earlier to finish assignments, I wanted to be there for them. And, for the most part, I think I was able to do that. However, I find that it's harder these days because I live far away, I work "real people" hours, meaning that I need to wake up early, and I'm quite tired by the time I get home. I'd still like to be there for my friends. I'm trying to think of ways to be creative and still be there for them. Ideas would be greatly appreciated...

"Don't Fix what Ain't Broke"

Let's face it. There are many times that I've taken things apart to figure out how it worked, only to find that I couldn't put it back together and get it working again. Things that, until then, had worked completely fine. I chalked it up to a learning experience, promising myself that the next time I would get it right. As I got older, I found myself in this situation less often. Part of it was that I learned to stop taking mechanical pencils apart. The other part was that I found myself fixing things that were actually broken. And, having learned from past episodes, I now knew that when disassembling, remembering the order in which parts are removed is probably the most important thing to do. Having graduated from college and not only fixed broken things, but developed new, improved products, I find myself returning to memories of pencil lead and mechanical pencil parts lying on my wooden desk while my 2nd grader self, fingers smudged with graphite, tried in vain to get it working again.

I was recently reminded that my eagerness to develop new technology and "improve" the quality of care in our hospitals might lead me to make the same mistake, but on a bigger scale. I volunteer at a local hospital's emergency room, and the techs and nurses are all really great. They care about their patients. They are friendly. They know their stuff. (The docs are also great, but not the focus of this particular post.) I was thinking as I watched them place countless IVs that it would be cool to make a robot that does this for them. Save them time and effort, allowing them to do other things. However, when I mentioned this to Sally*, she said, "Oh no, don't do that. It would leave me without a job." I hadn't thought about that. I'm not one to deliberately avoid developing new technology just for the sake of saving someone's job. However, I also realize that there would be additional risks associated with designing a robot that can start an IV, depending on how they are utilized. If the robot goes from patient to patient on its own based off of a queue controlled by triage, there are so many things that it would miss. A trained nurse or tech upon walking into a room is instantly conscious of so many things. The slightly abnormal coloring of a 2-month old infant. The alertness, or lack thereof, of a patient. The likelihood of a very much drunk 20-something to wander out of his room in search of shoes and wallet. Most importantly, nurses and techs know how to handle patient interactions way better than robots can. Or at least that was the case when I last checked.

How do you get the cantankerous 70-something Alzheimer's patient to allow you to stick a needle in her? There's lots of coaxing to be done, especially since she is somehow mistakenly convinced that these healthcare professionals in blue scrubs and nitrile gloves are "clumsy shoemakers" who are out to hurt her. (I have no idea how she got it into her head that they were shoemakers. It is all that I can do to keep from laughing, though it wasn't funny in the least bit at the time.) Once you have her permission, it's not like it gets any easier. Her veins are fragile and slippery, ready to collapse as you attempt to collect the blood samples before flushing with saline and starting the drip. Throughout this process, the tech continues to attempt to distract her, asking her questions. That's where the skills come in, I think to myself. I cannot imagine a robot trying to complete this process. In fact, it is quite laughable. This is only one case. I could go on describing many more that I have seen in my short time volunteering at this hospital. When we attempt to replace the personalized human care with the sterile efficiency of a robot, I wonder what will happen to the quality of care at hospitals. So I remind my engineer self, "Don't fix what ain't broke" and return instead to "fixing" surgical tools.

*Names have been modified for privacy reasons.

Facing Tomorrow, the Day After, and the Next

Recently, there has been a lot of violence in various locations around the world. I know it's an obvious statement. But I bring it up because it has got me thinking. I think what makes all of it so scary is the seeming randomness. I think that it's easy to just look at it and honestly feel bad for those who were affected, but to move on with little to no change in how we live. There are several things that I've been reflecting on as I stop to think about all of this in an effort to process it and take it all in.

The first is that when we wake up and roll out of bed, we never know what is going to happen that day. We could get into a car accident a block away from our houses. We could go to a seemingly safe environment at work and be faced with a volley of shots like those at the Navy Yard a few weeks ago. Most likely, though, we will return home safe and sound, exhausted by a full day of work. And I think it is that probability that has the tendency to make me complacent. Complacent to believe that the routine that I follow is really going to continue tomorrow, the day after, and so on until there is some event in the distant future that shifts my routine in just the tiniest way. Perhaps I will change jobs in a few years, go back to school, or move to a different city. But for the most part the overall routine will never change. Or so I sometimes find myself thinking. I think this type of thinking can be very dangerous. C.S. Lewis wrote, "100 per cent of us die, and that percentage cannot be increased." I like to remind myself that the opposite is true. As far as I am concerned, there have been so few people who have not eventually died that I can safely approximate my probability of dying as 1 as well.

In light of that thought, I like to ask myself- if this is indeed reality, how then should I respond?

I don't think we ought to change our daily routines in response to acts of violence. That would be, in my mind, giving in. I think we ought to stand our ground, be strong, keep on moving to show that in the end, good will prevail. However, I do think that I at least ought to change the way I approach life in general. The first thought that comes to mind is that I really want to live a life worth living. A life that does not center on my comfort, my well-being, and my personal ambitions. A life of serving others and of passing on the grace and love that I have been shown. A life where, at the end of the day, I would be able to face my Savior and say, "here is what I have done with the gifts that You have given me."And hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Because at the end of the day, it's about the relationship that we have with God. It's about glorifying Him to the maximum of our abilities. And the Christian life well lived is one that reflects His glory, and not ours. I believe that I have a Savior who loves me and controls my eternal destiny. Life isn't easy, but He says that His grace is sufficient for us, and so each day I want to live by looking to Him for a purpose in life. That is how I choose to face today, tomorrow, and the day after. Running in pursuit of that which cannot be taken away.

Rest.

I have finished my secondary applications. Can I say that again?! They're in. Now, it's time to wait. I'm not planning on sitting back anytime soon, but being done with all of the essays means that I have a bit more free time. For me, this time off is really a relief. Having the option of going to bed whenever I want is such a luxury. Looking back, I realize that I have been going at things pretty hard for a long time. I'm learning the importance of making time to recharge - so that I can run the race well over the course of years and not just days. So for now, I am enjoying all the time that I have. Reading up on healthcare issues. Collaborating with friends on developing medical devices. Watching football games on Sunday. Enjoying the beautiful blue skies, puffy white clouds, and cool temperatures that have come to visit. And of course getting my fair share of zzz's at night.

...And, I'm back! Apps Talk

It's been a while. Almost too long, actually. I've been thinking of writing, but life has kept me busy indeed. Just a few updates... orgo is over. I started on a new project at work. I've started submitting secondaries! And am complete at a couple places now. Working on my diversity essay so that I can send out another batch. I'm hoping to get at least 5 out this week, ambitious though that may be. I'm overall shooting to be finished sometime by the end of the first week of September, so yes. Things are busyyy! I'll try to check back in more often ;)

On Busy-ness

One of my friends from college texted me yesterday, asking when she'd see me again. My response was... well, my typical response. Yeah, hopefully soon. I've been crazy busy. Which, if you know me, is very much the truth. In fact, I think I enjoy keeping extremely, insanely busy. But why? I don't quite know if it's the fact that I actually enjoy being busy so much as I enjoy having things to do and I always have a ton of goals. I'm always looking for ways to push myself, get myself out of my comfort zone, and keep growing in general. I don't think I really like being stressed, that's for sure. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I can be too willing to keep myself occupied with things that I'd like to do that I don't leave enough time for the things that I absolutely should be doing. Things like doing devotions, reading books to gain a broader knowledge base, cleaning up my room that somehow seems to really obey the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics to a T. In my ideal world, I'd have time to keep up with friends on Facebook, get 7.5 hours of sleep, hang out with family and friends, complete all my apps for med school, get all my studying/homework in for my orgo class, work 40+ hours a week, and still have time left over for keeping up with my favorite TV shows, decorating my room, getting involved with a small group at church, and go running/work out. As I'm sure you're thinking by the length of that list, it's very much impossible. Well, at least with 2+ hours of commuting each day. So, something, somewhere must go. And someone, right here must organize. And get back to being disciplined. Because if I don't, I won't be able to get everything that I consider critical on that list finished when it needs to be complete. Back to the college schedule of ignoring all other activities when it's bedtime. When the clock says it's bedtime. Bedtime it is. And when the clock says it's time for devotions, that time it is. And when my working hours should be complete, they must be. For otherwise, there simply isn't enough of me, however busy I am, to get it all done.

So About the Economy...

We hear that the economy's doing pretty well. At least, that's what looking at the stocks would lead one to believe. But based on the job situation for many of my fellow recent graduates, I'm persuaded to conclude otherwise. It's not only recent graduates, I'm finding. Stress is high at my workplace because, well, it's a company. And companies exist to make money. And if a company isn't making enough money, it'll take steps to ensure that it can make it through the year and the next, and so on. At least, in the ideal situation that's what happens. In order to stay afloat, though, it often means cutting costs. When all other costs have been cut, it's employees who must go. And so, people are scrambling. There's less work to do when people have less money to spend, so the competition is up. And we're searching. Searching for that next project. Something more to boost our metrics. Because at the end of the day, we all want to stay employed so we can continue to pay those bills, those student loans, cover those costs, whatever they might be. We definitely feel for those who don't have jobs. And we hope that the people who haven't been able to find one are able to do so soon...

I'm Back to Solving Psets!

Just for a little while, though. :) Taking a 6 week orgo crash course. Lol. Who woulda thought I'd be back in school so soon after leaving?!!

A List of Things I'm Thankful For

I haven't sat down to think about things that I'm thankful for in a while... so here goes!

- Family. We can sit and eat dinner, laughing and talking for hours on end - time just flies by. How awesome is that?
- My job. It's been a blessing that I initially didn't recognize. I have a great, supportive team at work. I have time enough to do things outside of work. Cough studying for the MCAT, taking an orgo class, writing applications. Which, given my line of work is really quite unheard of. Thank you, God. I totally did not recognize how much of a blessing this one was going to be...
-Time. Time to sleep (kinda), time to laugh, time to write.
-Friends. Keeping in touch with college friends is one of the highlights of my social life. Lol. Actually, most of my social life I should say. But what can I say? They're awesome people.
-Faith/ Life in Christ. I feel like this is one that I all too often overlook. And yet, it's such a great gift that I've been given. The joy that I've found in Christ far surpasses anything else I have known. The peace that comes from being held in His hands is far deeper than any other source I've seen. The love that comes from Him is far greater than any other. And carried along in His arms I can live life to its fullest - the way I was meant to live.

Busy...

My class is keeping me crazy busy! I was pretty plum tuckered out after the trip, but orgo kept reminding me  that it still existed. So, yesterday I sat down and cranked out 20+ book problems in about 2 hours. I'd forgotten how good it felt to get that much work done so quickly! Guess I'm going to have to do that again tomorrow night... Test on Thursday, and homework's due... So yeah, that's what I've been up to recently. Until later!

The Backpack of a MechE

I was cleaning out my backpack as I packed for my flight (read travel-proofing). Of course, there were all kinds of things in there. Screws from some class project. A mini Swiss Army knife. A sharpie, pencils, sticky notes, receipts. And, oddly enough, a pair of earrings. Backpacks don't get cleaned out so often when you're a busy college student I guess. And since starting my job, I haven't used it so it's almost a snapshot in time of life as a busy (but happy) mechanical engineering student. Ah, yes. the backpack of a MechE. At one point last year, there were all kinds of random things poking out - PVC tubing, wooden boards, clamps, superglue, the list goes on. Always projects to work on. You think about it when you're awake, while making breakfast, running to class, sometimes in class... and definitely at night while you're sleeping. But it's fun. And, I've learned so much in the process. Not only about material properties and how to build things, but about life and working in teams, and how to make projects go more smoothly. But more on all of this later...

Heading to a Wedding

I'm up extra early today. I have a flight to catch. It's for my really good friend's wedding so it's all good.

To my friend:
I know you'll read this and since I won't have access to Internet while I'm there...

Congratulations! May God bless you both and your marriage now and 50 years from now. May your love for each other continue to grow and blossom, and may your home always be a happy place where God is honored.

After All

Here I am. It's July. And things are about to get a lot harder. Way harder. Life is going to fly by for the next few months. It's not going to be easy on many different fronts. And as I face these next few months, I'm praying. Praying that I'll have the strength to do all things - and do them well. Praying that I'll have the peace to live life not just in a state of limbo until the next calm, but as a ship anchored firm within a storm. Praying that in all things, His will shines through. Praying for joy and contentment as one who knows the victory is already won. As one who knows that life's trials are merely battles to get to the finish line, where we will be able to enjoy the victory that Christ has already secured. I'm praying that in all things, I will be able to live and to truly enjoy the relationship that I have with Christ. Instead of pushing everything back until tomorrow, I want to live today to its fullest. Enjoying every precious moment. Working harder than ever, but never going at it by myself.

"After all, You are constant. 

After all, You are only good. 

After all, You are sovereign. 

Not for a moment will You forsake me."    

- "After All"  (Meredith Andrews)

Hello Again

Reasons I've been gone so long:

1) Work. Keeps me busy, ya know.
2) Apps/essays. Lots of them.
3) I've started a different blog. One that has a slightly less obscure name. ;)

I'm trying to decide if I'll link the other blog to this one, but... pushing off decisions until I finish those apps. Seriously. Time. Consuming.

Pack Rat Syndrome

So I thought about how well I could describe my life by calling it that of a pack rat. No, I'm not talking about material possessions here. What I'm talking about is the whole thing that is the rat race that we find ourselves running in quite so often. If I look back over the past few years (make that more than just the past few years) I find that I've always been running in pursuit of some goal. One goal replaced another, and then that got replaced, and so on until I've found myself here today. There has always been something that meant that I had to hold off on "enjoying life." I get that life isn't all about being comfortable, but at what point do you say enough is enough? Y'all know how much I hate worrying and stressing. At the same time, how often would you say I look stressed? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of balance to life? Right now, the thing that I'm putting off is sleep. Because, I tell myself, there's lot of things to get done! Well. There will always be work. Or at least, that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I like being busy, I like being challenged, and I think I will always be looking for ways to push myself. But as I reach some major crossroads as a part of growing up, I'm trying to figure out when, where, and how I will look for that balance that is all so necessary to living a sane life. Personally, I don't think I would mind working A LOT of hours if I loved the work. But, what happens to family life if you're so busy at work? Something, somewhere, has to give. We can't have it all. It's hard to try and make choices now that will so profoundly impact life years down the road. And it's even harder to try and make those choices without having all the details necessary for making a fully informed decision. Why should I worry about having a family life when there isn't any guarantee I'll get married in the first place? Well, because I think it very well impacts my goals for the next few years and maybe even my career. So, yes. Pack rat syndrome. I think I've had it for quite a few years now, and I don't think it's getting any better as I get older. Anyone want to join me in finding a "cure" for that?

Ramblings of a tired brain on a Friday night

Sometimes I wish I had a random title generator. I think coming up with a succinct title is sometimes one of the hardest parts of writing posts. it's easy enough to know what I want to write about, but to condense it all down into a few words? Now, that's hard. I need a condenser for my brain these days. Each day passes by and blurs into the next. Not in a bad sort of way, but more of in a fast, I'm happy, the days are flying by wayyy too quickly sort of way. I'm sitting at the desk in my room. My stuffed animals look as though they are smiling from their position on my dresser. Outside, the rain pours down and thunder reverberates throughout the neighborhood. But inside, my room is cozy, it's Friday night, and I'm happy to just sit here and ramble. Therapeutic. That's what it is.

I spend a lot of time wondering how my friends are doing these days, but timing is just never good. It's either in the middle of the day when everyone is busy or it's right before I fall asleep. Not the best time for communicating. Haha. So, please, do call. Or text. Or message on gchat. I'd love to talk and catch up.

I think I've come up with a not-so-concise title for tonight. I promise one of these days I'm going to find myself absolutely unable to come up with a title and either leave it blank (bad idea) or put in something like "Unknown Title." It's just inevitable. That is, unless life changes drastically and doesn't continue to repeat itself one week at a time. ;)

It's May Already

The past few months were long, hard months. Lots of work, not enough time, and unfortunately, not enough sleep. But, God is good and I got through them. I'm facing a few more months of lots of work and high stress. Something that I think I'm just going to have to learn is how to deal with "lots of work" and stress and not let it keep my entire life on hold. Ideally, I'd be super organized, highly efficient, and able to get everything and anything done with very little stress. But, realistically speaking, I know that's not the way I work. I like flexibility, spontaneity, and unless I have a really pressing deadline (think on the scale of a few hours here), I will probably always "have" time to listen to people and talk to them about how things are going in their lives. I like that. I want people to know that my door is always open (figuratively speaking) and that if they're having a rough day they can just come and vent. I don't think I ever really want that to change. So, will my schedule ever become less packed? I used to tell myself, just get through this semester and then things will be easier. Needless to say, each month that goes by seems to be busier than the last and once I started running, I never really stopped. Work, however, isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing that God gave to us. I'm not sure I'll ever slow down if I can help it, but I think it might be a good idea to learn how to breathe. And soon at that.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, we don't know how we're going to get through things. Sometimes, we just can't imagine why things happen the way they do. And sometimes, we're taken by surprise at the way God works.

It's about that time of the year. Seniors are finding out where they're going to spend the next four years of their lives. They're wrapping up high school. And sometimes, many times I should say, the college acceptance process doesn't work out the way that they had expected or hoped. To those of you in the waiting room, let me just say, it's tough to hear a no. It's exciting to hear a yes. But it's perhaps the hardest to hear a maybe. And for many of us, that uncertainty is most certainly the scariest part of facing life. I'm trying to deal with it right now too, so I understand how frustrating and how scary things can be. Let me just say to you as I repeatedly try to remind myself - throughout it all, God has a plan and a purpose. Things may be so discouraging and the future may look bleak, but it's not permanent. What is permanent is a life spent without Christ, and an eternity of separation from Him. So, stand firm, hold your ground, and keep the faith. Tomorrow will come, and the day after, and the next. You can't live those days right now. Do live the moments you have now. They don't come back.

---
I'll be back for reals in May, but until then, I most likely won't be posting too often...

Encouragement

Today was a really pleasant day. For starters, I didn't go to work because I took the day off. Slept in til 9 AM. Seriously, awesome stuff, sleep. I was home with my mom, and got a lot of hugs from her. Something that I really like but that many people don't know (or think I dislike...) is hugs. Thanks, Mom for the hugs and the encouragement. :)

As I grow older, I'm learning and relearning the importance of living to the best of our abilities. I'm also learning how being positive can be really encouraging to the people around us. Sometimes, the "best of our abilities" can mean more than just our performance at school or at work. It sometimes means just living as a person to be the best that we can be. Loving others, living well with others, even living for others.

The message at church a few Sundays ago focused on how we ought to live our lives. And it really stuck. As Christians, we should try to follow Christ's example. Instead of living with a self-centered, "your life for mine" mentality, we ought to live with a "my life for yours" attitude. That's what Jesus showed us with His love. Living for Him isn't easy - no one ever said it would be. But we have a promise. And He will be faithful to His promise - to see us through until the end. So, until the day He comes, let's live for Him. One day at a time. My life for yours. 

One Big Blur

Time goes by fast. Every time I turn around, it's already been another week. Just a little bit of what I've been up to- more of the same, I guess. Still getting up, going to work, talking to friends, going to bed, repeating. Yes, I am also getting way better at coming up with efficient loops to describe things. Probably because I write a whole bunch at work. Today, I actually wrote a little sub to try and automate a process. That's definitely something I wouldn't have bothered doing a few months ago. (One additional motivating factor is the sheer quantity of the data. It would take HOURS to go through hundreds of rows of data, not to mention the potential for errors. We humans are built, it seems, to be creative and to find ways to use tools, but not so much to repeat motions without mistakes.)

Other random things. How long it's been since I just really laughed very hard. I realized this today. I smile, and I laugh, but usually not because things are tremendously funny. I'm supposed to be serious at work. Professionalism. It comes with its own good dose of pleasantries- smiling, small talk, remembering people's names... but it doesn't really allow for much hilarity to ensue. Probably not a bad thing at work. I wouldn't get any work done at all! That, however, is definitely something I miss. Hanging out with other people my age, letting loose and playing tag in the hallways. Yeah, tag is still cool at 21. Playing hockey, tag on the ice, going for runs along the Charles. College, in retrospect, involved a lot of running. Oh, and lots of cold, fresh air.

Running. Definitely something I miss here. I try to run in my neighborhood, but it's definitely not the same. After just a little while, I get very much out of breath and just can't seem to get a full breath of air. My lungs start making wheezing sounds. Not the best thing. And pretty much as soon as I stop running, I catch my breath again, so it's definitely not that I can't handing the running itself. Allergies are starting up again, though. I went outside for a couple of minutes at work on Monday and... felt pretty awful the rest of the day. Ended up going to bed around 9 that night. Yay sleep!

Things big on my mind this week. I don't understand what part of me is not being able to just let go and trust God. Sometimes, I think it's my head, and other times, I'm convinced it's my heart. Either way, I just want to believe that He is in control for the future, but my rational side gets all out of whack and starts going over stats and reminding me of the odds I'm facing. Then my irrational side takes over and starts playing this record that says it's all too hard. So between trying to figure out where everything is coming from and trying to convince myself that trusting God is the best thing to do, I'm pretty plumb tuckered out. Seriously, with His goodness right in front of my nose every day at work, how hard can it be to trust Him with something a couple of months down the road and no harder for Him to control than my current situation? I'm surprised and somewhat saddened by just how hard I find it to trust the One who really can do anything and actually cares about the details in my life.

Thankful

My goodness, it's been about a week already! Time flies these days. I can't help but be thankful for a whole bunch of things. I realize my attitude hasn't been the most thankful recently, so I'm going to try and focus more on the positives because I think that's just a much better way to live. Anyway, a few things I'm thankful for in no particular order:
 1) The weather's been really awesome- lots of sun, lots of fresh air, light breezes, not too cold, not too warm. Yes, there is a too-warm for winter. I'd like to delay the onset of allergy season as long as possible. ;)
2) The fact that I don't live by myself. So yeah. I could complain about the fact that I live really far away from work, or I could look at the upside- one thing I was really dreading senior year of college was potentially having to live by myself. Well, it might be obvious, but that's kind of taken care of right now. :D
3) The fact that I have such an awesome work environment. Seriously, we work hard, but we also play hard.  It's kind of like I have a friend group at work that's pretty much close to my entire team. How often does that happen?

Thank you God! You always take such good care of me even when I don't realize it (or sometimes even agree with the approach.)

Thoughts

One thing nice about being out of school is that I have time to think. Not so much because I actually have a lot of spare time- I think I had more in college... but because I spend a ton of time commuting. I think I spend about 2.5-3 hours on the road each day, which means lots of time to talk to my dad, think, and listen to music. All the good things! (as one of my college friends would say). I get to see the sun rise every morning- which is my absolute favorite time of day. It's just those few minutes when the sun is just starting to peek over the edge of the horizon that make everything so special. The clouds are still light and puffy, and adding a whole spectrum of colors just makes them look so pretty. I really wish I could take good pictures of those sunrises from the car, but since that's not possible, I just try to remember as many as I can. I'm glad that God made sunrises beautiful and that He also gave us the capacity to enjoy beauty.

One thing I was thinking about on my way home today was what the world would be like if God was not good. We humans haven't come up with any good on our own. Could you imagine a world where everyone and everything was completely and thoroughly evil? I can't imagine it. And yet, all the good that I take for granted in this world would never have been and would never be if God, who is over all things, and who has created all things, was not good. That our God is a good and just God is something that I am definitely thankful for. And upon more thought, something that I should probably acknowledge more often as well.

Valentine's and Lent

...Both in the same week. Let's just say this week was a complete blur. I was dealing with frustration at work. It was a "hands up in the air I'm so frustrated" week pretty much since Tuesday. I've been exhausted, traffic's been bad - meaning I've been getting home late. Like 8 PM late. I think my allergies might be kind of starting to act up (uhoh), and somehow my brain doesn't want to shut off until around 11 PM. But one thing that I've been coming back to again and again this week, and which honestly is part of the reason that I have somehow managed to drag myself out of bed early in the morning, is that God is faithful, that He gives strength to the weary, and that He will never let us go.

How interesting that in a week that was as hard as this week, Lent would start halfway through the week, and Valentine's would be the day after Ash Wednesday. Personally, I don't give up anything for Lent, and honestly I don't really treat it that differently from the rest of the year. My hope is that every day of the year should be as special as the days leading up to Easter. To be living each day with a thankful heart that the God of the universe would stoop down to live on this earth amongst us and then to give His life to save us. To be drawing nearer and nearer to the heart of God. To desire more fully a deeper personal relationship with Him. And yet, I think it's a really important thing to have a time of the year set apart like Lent. It reminds us of the importance of Easter, and it's a time set apart to think especially of what Christ's sacrifice on the cross means.

Anyway, I got to thinking yesterday about Easter, about life, about what "love" means. Valentine's Day is great - I think - in the way that it's an opportunity to pause and acknowledge important people in our lives. Cough  *significant others* cough. But what does that mean for those of us who well, don't really have any romantic attachments? Some people call it Single's Awareness day. I still call it Valentine's Day. The reason is that I do have a Valentine. And for me this year, with Lent starting so close to Valentine's Day, it was a good reminder. I am loved by the God of the universe who came to earth and willingly gave His life in order that I might enter into a relationship with Him and spend eternity in His presence. His is the love that surpasses all others and it will never ever decrease even one bit. If it was a human being that we were talking about, everyone would be so jealous. So why is it that because He is God, I can take His love for granted? Why do the things of this earth get in the way so much that I don't deliberately take time to slow down and just talk to Him? If this were a person who was special to me, of course I would take time and drop whatever I was doing. So, after thinking about it a little bit, the conclusion I reached is that yes, this year, I will acknowledge that I have a Valentine. He may not walk up to me with flowers, but He has opened His arms wide to me for eternity. This year, I'm letting God's love melt my heart for Valentine's Day. Because He is the only one who can truly melt my heart and change it forever.

1 Thessalonians 5:24

We've been going through 1 Thessalonians at church recently and we just finished it up yesterday. Among all the things that really stood out to me was this one verse:

"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass." 

- 1 Thess. 5:24

This is such a beautiful verse, and looking at it within the context of the surrounding verses just makes the meaning so much richer. Verse 23 says, "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." Verse 25 then says, "Brethren, pray for us." We are not called to walk this journey of life alone. Not only has He promised to be with us each and every step of the way, but He has also provided for us a community of other believers in order that we might strengthen and encourage one another. In our lives, may this reality shine ever true as we seek to become imitators of Christ not on our own strength, but through the grace and mercy of Him who is not only faithful, but also able to bring these things to pass. 

On Re-Reading Old Musings

Part of the reason I'm writing on this blog is that, well, I think it's just kind of nice to have a place where things are consolidated so that I can come back and read it easily. I have a couple of journals where I have thoughts written down- from different stages of life. It's always an interesting exercise to go back and read what I wrote several years ago. I was recently hunting for a quote for the yearbook, so I went back to a little black hardbound journal that I picked up at the art store the summer after freshman year. It's titled, "Thoughts Quotes Poems" and rightly so. It's got my thoughts, some poetry that I wrote, and quotes that I really thought were good to remember. It's back from the days when I liked to write in size 8 font or something similar to that. So, there aren't all that many pages with writing on them even though the edges are frayed from days spent jostled around in my backpack with all the other wonderful things a mechE thinks it's necessary to have around. But back to the quote search. I finally found a quote that I wanted to put in my yearbook- something I actually had a hard time finding on multiple pages on Wikiquote. Yep, I like to use Wikipedia for finding quotes as well as everything else useful... Anyhow, here was what I picked. ""A hundred years from now, who will care how successful we were or how comfortable our lives were? What will matter then is what we invested our lives in." It's from End of the Spear by Steve Saint (he was quoting a friend who isn't named). It's definitely something to think about. And figure out priorities by. Hence the post yesterday...

Random Things

As y'all might have noticed, the content here has been changing a bit since I started. I'm including more everyday things- deliberately. I want to share life and all that I'm learning through the little everyday things, not just the serious. Something that I've realized is that it's the everyday things that end up being important in the end. I'm starting to understand that more important than just having a theoretical understanding of abstract concepts is how you live and share your life with others. This isn't to say that I'm discounting the importance of thinking about and working through the hypothetical, the theological, and the philosophical. Those things are all great! It's just that when it comes down to what I think I'll find important at the end of my life, it'll be about the time that I shared with friends, the encouragements, the smiles, the laughter, and the fellowship with others. I realize that I'm busy right now. Like busier than I ever wanted to be after graduating from college. Well, okay, maybe that's not entirely true. (I enjoy being busy.) However, the way I'm looking at things is that I should never get to the point where I am too busy to have time for my friends for an extended period of time. I can see myself being busy for days at a time when I'm in crunch mode. It's neither healthy nor worth it to live a life of just work and no relationships. Isn't that what life is really all about? What does it really mean to love your neighbor? If the love is theoretically there but not there in the everyday it really isn't worth anything, is it? So, yes. Do expect to see more of the non-theoretical, serious things I'm thinking about on this blog. Those things will probably pop up on their own over time, but I think a lot of it is going to get recorded in a different place. Because recording those thoughts and re-reading them later on is usually so much fun- and usually such an encouragement.

Recently

It's been a long time since I posted! It's not for lack of trying to start... I have 3  2 drafts started and one finished posted. Anyway, I thought this one should get finished sometime soon. Here's how I was starting it back in December when I was completely swamped:

I'm really tired. It's been a long semester and there's been a lot of work to do. That's part of the reason I'm writing this post at all. As a warm-up to my 3+ essays that need to get written today. Yikes!

Needless to say, I got stressed out and distracted enough to get started on writing the actual essays instead. So, it all worked out.

Anyhow. Wow. That feels like absolutely an entire lifetime ago, but it's only been a little over a month! Life's just a tad bit different now. ;) I get up at around 5:30 and am typically in bed by 10 or 10:30. Yep, the whole early bedtime and early rise time thing again. Some habits just die hard. In my defense, I'm not getting up that early entirely by choice either... But, needless to say, I definitely was looking forward to the weekend yesterday. Yay for 10 hours of sleep!

Along with change comes a whole slew of likes and dislikes. Here's my current list:

Likes: 

• Seeing my family every day
• Giving my brother TONS of hugs
• The people at my work
• Talking to friends in the evenings or on the weekends

Dislikes: 

• How tired I feel after work
• The fact that I don't think I've opened my Bible more than twice this past week <-- This has absolutely got to change.
• The fact that it's a lot harder to keep in touch with friends
• Stress! I had a nightmare for the first time the other night that I hadn't completed my homework for a class that I hadn't been able to join until halfway through. Weird how I never had those dreams while actually being in school... 

Things will continue to change, I suppose, and this list will also morph- hopefully for the better! Learning how to become a "real" person...

Saying Goodbye

(I wrote this in mid-January when I was back in Boston and didn't post it... so here it is now.)

Those of you who know me probably know that there are few things that I hate more than real goodbyes. I put off goodbyes, always trying to look forward to the next time. However, I've reached a point where I can't quite get away with that. Realistically speaking, the goodbyes that I am saying are going to last for at least a few months at the very least. And, it's always the hardest when you have to say goodbye to close friends who have meant so much to you for a while. (And who will hopefully continue to be really dear friends.) But going away means that it's that much harder to maintain those relationships. The most important ingredient of good friendships aside from really caring is, I think, time. So to all my friends, thanks for just being yourselves, for taking the time to laugh, and think, and talk. I'll try to text, call, or email whenever I can. Please do the same! Lots of love. :)